Montgomery Mayhem, 10/16/93

Smokey, Isaac, Conan, Corvair, Butthead, Leslie, Pocahontas, She-devil, and Toro (aptly named as he declared he was "pacing himself" after stopping shots of Irish to switch to Schlitz malt liquor) set out to interview on camera every hick in Montgomery county with two questions: What's your name? How often do you use condoms?

The first step was to get in costume for this grueling interview schedule by everyone removing their shirt, including Corvair's forcible removal of Smokey's (the driver) pull over while driving.

Warming up to the exercise, She-devil practiced her erratic panning skills in the middle of a mud swamp used for the first piss stop. The highway workers were sufficienly amused that they parked a trailer between the van and mud makers to see if they could find their way back. All shoes had to come off, making item number two on the list.

At the second stop, She-devil learned to follow-up camera action with questions. The practice question: how does pissing feel? Conan volunteered a desperate bladder's truth: "It's sort of like orgasm, there is this huge pressure, then pleasant relief."

Our first real interview at Montgomery Stop 'n Go uncovered one fellow who claimed he was related to Steve Austin, another who could not believe eight drunks & Smokey were staring at him while he stammered to remember his name, several customers nervously waiting in line as the camera found them all. Upon receiving word from some good citizen customers that the manager had called the police, no doubt for copyright violation since we took a picture of his logo, Smokey made his first move of the day to earn his name, quickly gathering everyone into the van and making a speedy exit.

During our next and final few minutes of unproblematic van time, the following was heard in snippets:

Leslie: "I was in an anti-male mood this morning."
Conan: "An ice pick works well for that."
Butthead: "Is Conan going to get laid again?"
Smokey: "What!? Did he get laid already once and I missed it?"
Pocahontas: "Where's my shirt?"
Corvair: "I'm like feeling, but I can't find it."
Toro: "Hold This"
Leslie: "Absolutely"
She-devil: "Am I going to spit on you?"
Toro: "If you want"
Pocahontas: "I'm not going to swallow my snot!"
She-devil: "Where the hell are we?"
Isaac: "Are there 9 bodies in here?"

Our next stop proved less amusing since the Spacship would not go into gear. Corvair was on the spot as he held his hand like a funnel on the hot motor and poured transmission fluid through it. Everybody was packed safely inside just as the police stopped to ask if we had any trouble. Smokey hurried to their window to make sure they were not tempted to leave the car. After assuring them everything was just fine and doing his best Obi Wan Kenobee imitation you-dont-need-to- look-in-the-van, you-dont-need-to-look-in-van, they left without probing any deeper.

With such ill fortune we had to cut short the swimming as we hurried to New Waverly to get more transmission oil. She-devil was hard at work again interviewing the people in the store about why Stop 'n Go was called Stop 'n Go. After zooming on a crotch and announcing to the whole store "and here is Smokey's penis", she was quietely escorted outside.

The next leg of the trip, with Spacship sputtering along at 50 mph, and often dying, took us to Willis, where more oil was poured and the interviews continued. The clerk was quite amused to have it anounced publicly that "you have big tits."

The final stretch of the trip home got off to a good start with: She-devil (camera rolling): "Aren't you going to be a sport and take your pants off?" Isaac: "Not unless you do".

But, it was summarized on the last page of the log, written in large scrawled letters, by an anonymous hand: "TOTAL NUDITY", as we slowly crawled down I-45 with hundreds of cars passing by and the interview tape still rolling but pointed off into oblivion.

[Smokey (Ervan)]

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